Crawl – Movie Review

You know how sometimes your friends suck? Oh wait, some of my friends might be reading this. In that case: you guys suck sometimes. Like when I want them to go see a stupid movie with me. I couldn’t interest a single person in the movie Crawl. We can get a whole group together to see The Meg, but not one person for Crawl? Maybe I love creature features too much. Maybe I’m just more into seeing crappy b-movies on the big screen than everyone else. Whatever it is I’m glad I finally got to see Crawl, but maybe my friends were right after all.

When it was released I didn’t even know that this movie was produced by Sam Raimi, and directed by Alexandre Aja. If you don’t know him that’s the guy who did The Hills Have Eyes remake, Piranha 3D, and High Tension. So maybe the first two on that list aren’t the greatest, but High Tension was genuinely good. The ending was a little wacky, but if you haven’t seen it you definitely should. Anyway, if I’d known all this when Crawl came out I’d have paid one of my friends to go with me. I don’t have a problem seeing a movie alone, but I like company for horror movies. 

Toy Review – Alien Resurrection Deluxe Newborn Action Figure from NECA

Nobody seems to like Alien Resurrection.

I don’t like Alien Resurrection.

Joss Whedon, who wrote Alien Resurrection does not like Alien Resurrection. Here are some of his thoughts:

“In all seriousness, Alien: Resurrection was, I thought, the lowest I could ever feel.”

“You don’t ever get over it. When you are making a movie you are making something that is going to last forever, especially now with the internet. So there is always going to be a shitty Alien movie out there. A shitty Alien movie with my name on it.”

You can read the full interview here if you like. I’ll wait.

As much as I might think Alien Resurrection is a very bad movie, as with most shitty genre movies there are things to like.

Sigourney Weaver enjoying being weird as the Ripley clone is great.

Winona Ryder bringing her own personal style of weirdness to the android, Call, is something interesting and different for the franchise. I’d love to see NECA produce a Call figure.

Honestly, the whole cast is pretty enjoyable, given what they have to work with. I do still watch this movie from time to time, knowing that the story and tone are garbage but the performances are tons of fun.

The creature designs are also very good. The new warrior aliens are a solid variation without straying too far from the iconic original designs. They’re more cunning, gooier, and have neat fins on their tails for undersea action.

And then there’s today’s subject – the Newborn. I still can’t quite explain it, but it’s the result of the Alien Queen that was harvested from clone Ripley giving birth the human way rather than via eggs. Everything about the Newborn is the height of horror, from its violent, disturbing birth to its appearance as a human/xenomorph crossbreed.

It doesn’t do much before getting sucked out of a viewport, but for my money the hybrid is one of the most disturbing creature designs I have ever seen. The moment it appears you want it off the screen as soon as possible. Such a thing simply should not exist.

Kenner had the overall Aliens license when the movie was released and took the opportunity to deviate from the traditional design of their toys and try to mimic the style of McFarlane Toys’ products, which were red hot at the time. While their Ripley and Call figures left something to be desired, the creatures were pretty cool. Even the Newborn, which was missing one major, disturbing detail that the NECA version is not. More on that later.

Naturally, as soon as I saw that NECA was producing a figure I knew I had to have it on my shelves.

Did the maestros at NECA successfully recreate the horror of the Newborn or would it have been better left unmade? Read on and find out!

Toy Review – Universal Studios Monsters Creature from the Black Lagoon Bend-Em from Sunny Days Entertainment

Bend-Ems have been a staple of the toy industry for billions of years now. The concept of putting a rubber form over a wire armature and calling it an action figure is cheap, visually acceptable, and easy to sell.

With a Bend-Em there are no questions about action features, articulation, or deco. What you see is what you get and what you get can range in quality from an amorphous blob that’s supposed to resemble Darth Vader to a startlingly detailed Batman that might look better than some actual action figures.

Bend-Ems can be slapped on the simplest blister cards imaginable and sold anywhere. Kroger, Target, Walgreens, Piggly Wiggly, airport convenience stores and basically anywhere that sells any kind of non-food items probably has a peg full of Bend-Ems somewhere on the sales floor.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Yep, I’m reviewing a movie that came out almost a month ago. And really the main reason is that I wasn’t too excited about it at first. I didn’t care for the super slow and serious Godzilla of 2014, and Kong: Skull Island was merely worth the price of a Redbox rental. What convinced me to finally go and see it? The crappy reviews of course. Critics seemed to dislike Godzilla: King of the Monsters because it didn’t have enough plot or human drama. Those are precisely the things I don’t want in a monster movie so I finally got off my ass last weekend to check it out. I’m assuming that you’ve either seen it by now or don’t care enough if I give spoilers.

Halloween 2018 – Eli Roth’s History of Horror

You probably know who Eli Roth is even if you don’t think you do. He directed Cabin Fever (the good one), Hostel, and (the not good homage to Cannibal Holocaust) The Green Inferno. He’s also had acting roles in several movies, but aside from Inglourious Basterds they’re mostly cameos. A quick look at his IMDB page shows that he is not only a fan of horror, but knows a thing or two about it. You’ll also notice that while he only has 16 credits as a director he has 101 credits as himself (or at least it stuck out to me). It also gives me the idea that he’s a guy who likes to hear himself talk.

Halloween 2018 – The Horror Movies of 1988

There are so many great things about this time of year. One of the best is the ability and excuse to sit around and watch horror movies all month long. I wish tv channels had this kind of programming all year. I do have diverse tastes, but I also can’t think of a genre that I like better. Maybe sci-fi or fantasy comes close, but it’s always been horror that tops the list. Many of my favorites came from my formative years. I’m not going to try and say that they’re all good movies. Some of them are downright bad, but I’ve never been one to let popular opinion sway me. 1988 is an excellent example of the wonderful and the awful coming together to make a crazy year of horror movies. Join me for a look back at what I think are some of the most memorable (and terrible) scary movies to come out of 1988.